A Love Letter to My Home
A few months before escrow closed 2 years ago, I wrote a love letter to my home to say goodbye. Without a doubt, the most difficult challenge about my midlife edit has been living without my Saddleback Home. I have mourned the loss of her in my life every single day.
Selling her was really my choice. If I had insisted that we stay, or continue to rent her out, my husband would have supported me. I have asked myself many times, Do I regret that decision? Did I make a mistake? I have played it over in my head more than 100 times. Was there another way? What if we had stayed because not a day has gone by when I haven’t wished, in some way, I was feeling the embrace of her walls or rocking softly on the back porch swing. Not a single day. But my husband and I always come back to the truth that our time there had come to an end. We thought we knew exactly where we were going, but we still haven’t got it quite right. We are definitely still in transition figuring it out.
I am grateful for every casa and casita I have lived at in Todos Santos but none feel like home. None are My Home. And no matter how much I have tried to return to and remain in a state of gratitude and mindfulness, in prayer and meditation, practice non-attachment, nest, organize, rearrange, (and rearrange again), journal and read, a part of my soul is simply not grounded. Sometimes the unsettled feeling in my spirit almost feels like a tingling that won’t quiet away. It’s like my body is here but my spirit can’t seem to completely land.
I realize there are people who are untethered to their physical dwelling and have no problem moving around every so many years. But that’s not me and I’ve always known that too.
Below I have shared the Love Letter I wrote to My Home.
March 21, 2021
My Sweet Saddleback Home,
I love you like I love a person. I miss you like I miss a dear loved one. I remember the first day I met you. With a baby on my hip and another holding my hand, I felt like I was home from the moment I walked in your doors. I called John and told him, “I found our home!” And from November 2002, the day we moved in, I felt like I had been living here my entire life. It was always my home, just waiting for me.
Your walls have surrounded my family with such generous comfort, security and memories like a warm fuzzy blanket wraps around a needy body. You have provided a constant familiarity to not just me, John, Lucas and Hannah but to so many extended family members. You’ve helped us earn a living by being the home office to Motocross Vacations and then my successful corporate sales career, as well as other professions we’ve taken on. We’ve celebrated so many wonderful events here. Countless birthday parties for big and small people, a baby shower, a Bar Mitzvah celebration, Hanukkah’s and Thanksgivings, Passover, a sleepover to a Girl Scout troop, a memorial to remember Grandpa Joe, and most recently the wedding of our son. Wow. You have given us so many gifts.
I cherish the light in the morning room and sipping coffee & cocktails on the back porch during the summers, swinging as I look out onto your beautiful grounds. I will miss drinking John’s Old Fashioned cocktails during the winter, sinking into the couch with the fireplace crackling. I will miss walking barefoot all over the property, watering flowers & hearing the sound of gravel under my shoes. And the birds. Oh the birds. So, so many birds chirping. Oh how I will miss that.
You have been a place of refuge and quiet, supported contemplation and reflection. You’ve watched a family grow with young children to adult children. You’ve watched a marriage strengthen and struggle over the years. You’ve heard so many secrets and intimate moments, and so many laughs and giggles and screams of joy. Soooooooo many good times had by sooooo many friends and family!! You embody a life’s dream fulfilled. And now it’s time to make new dreams.
Leaving you is like leaving a piece of my heart behind. I’m excited for the new family that will be blessed by your special gifts and the memories that will continue to be created.
Thank you for your love, comfort and memories. I will miss and love you always.
Your maker & keeper from 2002-2021,
Suzi